Hello, I've just came from a hangout with friends, and I came home to a pretty angry mother. I feel like I've been gettin...g attacked lately and idek for what. First off my mother has been getting strict with my curfew, it was always 10:30 but over time I notice her pushing it to 9 or earlier, when I ask her why she does it she says in order to get my dad and my brother from complaining or preventing them from saying anything ( mind you I'm middle eastern so they guys have a much more say than the girls). The curfew thing never really got to me it just made me paranoid everytime I went out, for example, I just started getting close with people from my church, I never really liked going to church because I was always alone and my parents advised me to go and put myself out there, and once I finally did for their sake and maybe a little myown, I started forming real qenuine relationships, The more I hung out with the them the more my mom got mad at me. She would say how all of a sudden you have friends and want to go out all the time, making me cut my hangouts with them short, like instead of finishing church and sunday school, all the teens would go out for a drink, go out for food, or even later go to the movies. I would always decline the movie offer however because it would go past my curfew. This curfew thing makes me look bad in front of the church kids though because they expect that I've done something bad or dirty in a sense. Not only has this bee on my mind but college is also right around the corner, I've been stress writing my PIQ and my essay for EOP, on my own, even though Ive asked for help, I cant find help when it comes to writing my own personal statement. My mom yells at me almost everyday talking about it, almost as if shes my reminder, but I've been putting my focus into college stuff. Ive been focusing on it so much to the point that during school, I skip lunch to go to the library and work on it, I, my mom even banned me from going to the gym right after school because its a distraction, even though I would come home and stare at my computers four hours just to do no work. She puts a lot of pressure on me with college to the point where my grades are dropping for two of the classes, I've been getting so overwhelmed, I even started skipping school getting myself a breakfast and trying to think on my own without anyone being near me. My friends are even putting some type of pressure on me because I would miss their hangouts or their special senior events ( that I told myself I would attend to every single one of them), that they get ma at me, blaming me for stuff I cannot control. I was fine until today. I came home after a hangout, getting ready for my mom to yell at me for coming home late ( reasonable though) and as she was yelling at me I was thinking of all this, and I couldn't express it, not only because my family suscks at communicating and everyone hates talking about their feelings here, but because I COULDNT do that, this resulting ina tear coming out, and multiple after that one. My mom went crazy, she hates when I cry, mid scream she said to go to my room and that everytime I have to cry about something to not even face her. I started walking tot my room but decided that I hate this stressful feeling of feeling like I cant talk about how I feel with my own mother, I was able to mention how Ive been feeling pressured and alone in these times, and her response to this was that it was my fault. I notice that everything is my fault but to an extent. I mentioned how she has no faith in me when I was struggling to find a job or when I was apply to UC's saying " I know your not going to be accepted anyways. The worst part of this all is that she has control of where I go. She decided to end the nights discussion by saying that even though I'm applying to any college, close or near, shes going to choose the near ones each time until shes dead. She's not even allowing me to drive, I'm currently 17 Ive had my drivers license for the past 11 months, meaning I got it in January, I drive to get my mother groceries, do whatever they want pick up their stuff. but when it comes to me, I shouldn't be driving cause I don't have insurance. Thats the reason why I've have been looking for a job like crazy, I want insurance so I can leave the house once in a while, be with myself, but even when I did get a job my parents are refusing the manager to give me anything more than the weekends in order to put school "first", which I don't want to happen, I want to work as much hours and days as I can, not only because ill be out of the house but because the more money I make the more I can pay off my insurance and start saving for colleges and my car. I wont be able to drive anyone else's car in my family, just because my father is never home, my brother is a car freak meaning he loves his car to death, and my mom has trust issues when it comes to me. Idk I just want to feel like my feeling are heard, I don't want to be right, wrong or anything but I just feel so shitty and by myself. I feel so drained, idk what to do that'll make things better because I always feel like I'm doing something bad, or even being a bad daughter.
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