Letting Go: How Detachment Can Help You Heal Toxic Relationships

Many individuals in the self-help and dating advice community often emphasize the importance of independence, but there is a disconnect between societal norms and scientific evidence. Building strong emotional connections with others has been shown to result in increased levels of happiness, success, and overall well-being in individuals' lives. Some individuals offer self-help and dating advice and believe in the importance of being independent. Building strong emotional connections with others has been shown to increase happiness, effectiveness, and overall stability in life.

Throughout evolution, the survival of infants and young children needed to have protection from potential dangers provided by a stronger or wiser figure. To guarantee that they received adequate care and safety, natural selection led to the development of an innate system known as the attachment system. This system drives vulnerable individuals to seek close physical and emotional proximity to their primary caregivers, particularly in times of distress. These innate behaviours ultimately increase the likelihood of individuals reaching reproductive age and passing on the genes that encode the attachment system to future generations. This concept serves as a cornerstone of attachment theory.

Both Bowlby and Ainsworth made the groundbreaking discovery that how infants have their needs met by their caregivers plays a significant role in shaping their attachment patterns for the rest of their lives. When parents are consistently unresponsive and insensitive to their child's needs, it can result in the child developing a pattern of seeking out relationships in adulthood that are unpredictable and lacking in emotional fulfilment. This highlights the crucial importance of responsive and sensitive caregiving in early childhood for promoting healthy attachment and emotional development throughout life.

Our early interactions with our parents play a significant role in shaping our expectations for future relationships, but these expectations are not set in stone. It was not until the 1980s that Hazan and Shaver found similarities between the dynamics of adult romantic relationships and those of children with their caregivers. While our childhood and adult relationships are not identical, the close relationships we form in our youth and the expectations we develop about ourselves create a framework for how we perceive and engage in adult relationships. Our early attachment systems are developed to ensure our proximity to our caregivers, and when we are separated from them in childhood, it triggers feelings of anxiety and fear, compelling us to seek their presence. Strikingly, this pattern often continues into adulthood as well.

There are a total of four recognized attachment styles, with three originally identified by Ainsworth et al. in 1978 and a fourth added by Main and Solomon in 1986. There is ongoing discussion within the field about whether these styles should be viewed as distinct categories or as varying dimensions (Bretherton, 2000).

Below is a concise summary of the four attachment styles.

Attachment Types

Dismissive-avoidant and Fearful-avoidant

The way we connect with others in romantic relationships is heavily influenced by our attachment styles. These styles play a significant role in how we regulate our emotions and seek intimacy and support within these relationships. They also affect how we navigate conflicts, communicate with our partners, and express our sexuality. Ultimately, our attachment styles shape the overall dynamics and interactions within our romantic relationships. When everything is going well and we are enjoying life, we can easily detach ourselves from our emotions and experiences. This is especially evident in children, who are carefree and uninhibited in their exploration of the world. However, when negative events occur, such as getting injured or feeling overwhelmed, our natural response is to become anxious and cling to our attachments for comfort and security.

Our innate tendency to form emotional connections with others is shaped by our past experiences and learning. This adaptability in attachment behaviour comes with a downside, as it can lead individuals to compromise their personal growth to alleviate anxiety. These adaptive behaviours contribute to the development of four distinct beliefs about intimacy based on an individual's attachment style

Secure attachment

Secure attachment is a common phenomenon observed in most infants, where they exhibit a sense of comfort and confidence in exploring new environments and interacting with unfamiliar individuals when their primary caregiver, usually their mother, is present. The infants exhibit signs of distress when they are separated from their mothers, but they are quickly reassured and comforted upon being reunited. They actively seek out their mothers for comfort when they are upset, and their mothers can effectively calm and console them.

Individuals with an insecure-resistant attachment style during infancy

typically exhibit a strong inclination to stay in close proximity to their primary caregiver, often their mother. This attachment pattern is marked by a reluctance to explore new environments or engage with unfamiliar individuals. Furthermore, when their caregiver leaves, these individuals may become distressed and display signs of anxiety or distress. Additionally, upon their caregiver's return, they may not find solace or comfort in their presence.

Disorganized attachment

It is a unique style that combines traits of both insecure-avoidant and insecure-resistant attachment styles. Infants displaying this attachment style often exhibit confusion when interacting with their caregiver. During separations and reunions with their primary caregiver, these infants may display behaviours such as attempting to move away or freezing in place. The distress experienced by these infants during the Strange Situation experiment is often intense and prolonged.

Embracing Detachment to heal Toxic attachment styles

In the realm of psychological perspectives on attachment theory, the concept of detachment is often characterized as the gradual distancing of an individual from their attachment figure. This distancing occurs as the bond between the two parties weakens over time. Detachment is not about avoiding pleasure or relationships. It involves fully engaging in life while not being attached to specific outcomes or possessions. It is about caring deeply without clinging too tightly. It is like holding sand in your hand with just the right amount of pressure to keep it in place but allow it to move freely. The concept of detachment paradoxically brings things closer to us or allows us to appreciate them more when we let go.

Watching a beautiful sunset is similar to appreciating the transient nature of its beauty, which enhances its value. Being detached does not mean being unaware or indifferent. It means recognizing that everything in life is temporary and approaching relationships and experiences with openness and gratitude instead of fear and attachment. Detachment has shown me the importance of cherishing the time spent with loved ones, rather than worrying about potential separation or changes in the relationship. Instead of holding onto bitterness, I chose to cherish the memories and appreciate the time we shared. This allowed me to move forward and embrace new connections with positivity.

Loving without fear is a free way to love completely and openly. Embracing detachment has been crucial for my resilience, allowing me to overcome challenges and find inner contentment without relying solely on external factors. This has been especially helpful during cultural shocks and professional setbacks in my journey.

Contrary to popular belief, detachment can help us better appreciate our time and experiences by allowing us to live in the present moment and fully enjoy life's unexpected moments. My main point is that mastering detachment does not mean isolating yourself from the ups and downs of life. It means fully embracing them while not letting them control you. It involves finding liberation in the natural rhythm of life and experiences, leading to a greater sense of tranquility and strength. Don't hold on too tightly, as you may end up keeping only what is truly important.