How to support someone who is grieving

"Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again." —Rachael Naomi Remen

Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. All efforts to heal the heart with the head fail because the head is the wrong tool for the job. It’s like trying to paint with a hammer—it only makes a mess. Almost all intellectual comments are preceded by the phrase, “Don’t feel bad.” The death of a loved one produces emotions that can be described as the feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find that when we need them one more time, they are no longer there.

There are no absolutes in grief. There are no reactions so universal that all, or even most, people will experience them. Grievers report either not being able to sleep or sleeping too much—or both, alternately also they talk about going up and down and in and out of feelings. As a direct result of these emotional highs and lows, grievers often feel emotionally and physically drained. These are all normal and natural responses to loss. Their duration is unique to every individual.

Grief is normal and natural, but we have been never taught how to deal with it. We are far better prepared to deal with minor accidents than we are to deal with grief. We receive more education about simple first aid than we do about death, divorce, and other emotional losses.

In the words of author and scientist Kay Redfield Jamison: I did not, after Richard died, lose my sense of who I was as a person, or how to navigate the basics of life, as one does in depression. I lost a man who had been the most important person in my life and around whom my future spun. I lost many of my dreams, but not the ability to dream. The loss of Richard was devastating, but it was not deadly.

Grieving Special Type of Losses

SUICIDE- Nearly 750,000 people a year are left to grieve the completed suicide of a family member or loved one, and they are left not only with a sense of loss, but with a legacy of shame, fear, rejection, anger, and guilt. there is general agreement that is found in suicide bereavement are generally not found in other kinds of death losses: Why did they do it? Why didn’t I prevent it? How could he or she do this to me? Guilt is another common feeling among survivors of suicide victims. They often take responsibility for the action of the deceased and have a gnawing feeling that there was something they should or could have done to prevent the death.

SUDDEN DEATH-Sudden deaths are those that occur without warning and require special understanding and intervention. However, in the case of a sudden death, there is often a strong sense of guilt expressed in “if only” statements such as “If only I hadn’t let them go to the party,” or “If only I had been with him.”’’

One type of sudden death that should be considered separately is sudden infant death. Seven to ten thousand babies die this way each year in the United States alone. There are several factors that complicate grieving this type of loss. First, the death occurs without warning in babies that appear healthy. Since it comes as a surprise, there is no opportunity to prepare for the loss, as there is in the case of infants and children who die of a progressive disease. Second, there is the absence of a definite cause, which gives rise to considerable guilt and blame. Family members and friends are always wondering, “Why did the baby die?” The absence of definitive information often creates suspicion that there was some type of neglect on the part of the parents. This lack of cause may also trigger a relentless search by the parents for the reason for the death.

When someone we care about is going through a tough time, knowing the right words to say can be tricky. If you're feeling unsure or at a loss on how to support someone dealing with loss, here are some uncomplicated ideas to help you navigate those challenging moments.

1. Don't ask, "How are you?" The answer is obvious—"not good"—and because it's the same greeting you would offer anyone, it doesn't acknowledge that your friend has suffered a devastating loss. Instead try, "How are you feeling today?"

2. Offer hope. People who have gone through grieving often remember that it is the person who offered reassuring hope, the certainty that things will get better, who helped them make the gradual passage from pain to a renewed sense of life. Say something like: "You can grieve for as long as you need to, but you are a strong person, and will find your way through this." This remark both acknowledges that there is no quick and easy solution and also affirms your confidence that things will improve.

3. Reach out. Call to express your sympathy. Try not to say such phrases as "It's God's will" or "It's for the best" unless the bereaved person says this first. Your friend or relative may need you even more after the first few weeks and months, when other people may stop calling. Check in every now and then just to say hello (you may find it helpful to put reminders on your calendar. Most bereaved people find it difficult to reach out and need others to take the initiative.

4. Help out. Don't just ask if you can "do anything." That transfers the burden to the bereaved, and he or she may be reluctant to make a request. Instead, be specific when offering help. By Bringing dinner over, pass on information about funeral arrangements, or answer the phone or Pitch in to clean up the kitchen.

5. It's very common to experience feelings of anger after the loss of a loved one. They may find themselves thinking: “How could they desert me, or the children?” or “Why didn’t they take more care of themselves?”, “Why are they not here to protect and advise them?” Even the most supportive people around you may not expect anger as a part of grief, and might not know how to deal with it. Finding new outlets for expressing emotions can be really helpful. They could try an art or writing class, singing or practising music.

6. Listen well instead of advising: A friend who listens even when the same story is told with little variation is even better. Unless you are asked for your advice, don't be quick to offer it. Frequently, those who are grieving really wish others would just listen. It's your understanding—not your advice—that is most sorely needed.

7. Avoid judgments. Your friend's life and emotional landscape have changed enormously, possibly forever. You may wish he or she would move on, but you can't speed the process or even ensure that it happens. Let your friend heal at the pace that feels right and in his or her own manner. "You should cry" or "It's time to move on" aren't really helpful directions.

Phrases such as, “They’re better off now,” and, “they wouldn’t want you to be sad,” should be banned from all conversations with the bereaved. These common statements are surely meant with good intentions, but only minimize the feelings of the person who is grieving. The best thing you can offer someone who is grieving is a hug, a listening ear and a compassionate presence. No combination of words will make your friend’s pain go away. Don’t worry about saying the right thing because honestly, there is no right thing to say. Grief can be all-consuming. Just being present and offering love and kindness is all that matters.

“Grief is not a problem to be solved, it’s a presence waiting for witnessing, it’s the solitary journey we cannot do alone, that needs to be shared; only then can there be a response, a protection, and a restoration of that which has been damaged.” ~Frances Weller