Death. Famine. War. Glory. These are the popularly known Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These ‘horsemen’ symbolize the end of times. In the mental health field too, there exists the concept of Four Horsemen. John and Julie Gottman first put forth this view as something that couples may engage in, and if left unchecked, it could lead to the end of the relationship. However, we can analyze the impact of the Four Horsemen in almost all relationships. Now, what are the 4 Horsemen?

Horseman 1: CRITICISM

When we place the blame on another person and attack their core characteristics when the real issue is something else entirely, we’re engaging in Criticism. By using ‘you’ statements and absolutes like ‘should’, ‘always’ and ‘never’, the focus shifts away from resolution to the problem, and turns into an attack on that person. For the person making the statement, it may arise out of their own stresses or frustrations, yet it has an adverse effect, causing the other person to become defensive.

One way of reducing Criticism is to turn the ‘you’ statements into ‘I’ statements. Instead of emphasizing on all the things they’ve done wrong, emphasize on how those things are making you feel instead. For example, if your partner isn’t taking out the trash despite saying they would, don’t say “you always say things you don’t mean, you’re lying!”, instead try “it makes me upset that you’re not keeping your word. Could you please finish it?” Rephrasing how we express our wishes can improve our understanding of the other person and make the relationship stronger.

Horseman 2: CONTEMPT

Contempt can be understood as criticism with the intent to harm or offend. Although we may never wish to attach our partner’s character intentionally, unresolved conflicts in the relationship may lead us to internalize negative feelings and let them come out as criticism of our partner. It stops being about communicating one’s problems but becomes about blaming our partner’s character. It can be hard to recognise to the people in the relationship but is easier to be recognized by those outside it.

It can be addressed by making an effort to notice our partner’s strengths. When we notice ourselves thinking or speaking negatively about our partner, it is important to stop and try to replace the negative thoughts with compliments or recognition of our partner’s strengths.

Horseman 3: DEFENSIVENESS

Defensiveness occurs when we don’t take responsibility for our actions and instead shift blame onto others. We may refuse to accept feedback and try to shift the focus away from ourselves. It can be a reaction to feeling judged, criticized or blamed. Defensiveness may also be unintentional, and we may retreat emotionally to avoid getting hurt. When we feel accused of something that we do not want to take responsibility for, we may put ourselves in a place where we play the victim card. It may take the form of blaming others or telling them to stop getting after you. Being unwilling to take responsibility for one’s own actions does not bode well for the future of any relationship.

We may tend to invalidate our partner’s feelings, which could result in defensiveness from them, making the situation worse.

To address this, try not to take things too personally. Looking at feedback as an opportunity to improve one’s own behaviour and taking time to make an effort to show remorse and make an earnest apology can go a long way.

Horseman 4: STONEWALLING

In any conflict, we may tend to throw up a wall between ourselves and our partners, and this can be for various reasons- we may feel as though our character is being attacked or we may be overwhelmed by negative emotions and feel unable to respond to our partner. ‘Shutting down’, ‘withdrawing emotionally’ or simply staying silent during difficult conversations is characteristic of stonewalling. Although it may feel helpful to us in the moment, it is not productive for the conversation- neither does it help us understand our partner, nor does it help our partner understand us. Difficult but important conversations are denied and pushed aside, doomed to be brought up at another time, certain to worsen the conflict when it is revisited.

Sometimes, it may be part of our personality to shut down and not respond to conflicts, but stonewalling eventually threatens the security in a relationship. It’s okay to fight sometimes, but leaving conflicts unresolved and letting negative emotions fester will not lead to healthy outcomes for the relationship.

When we feel as though it’s better to shut down, it’s important to take a step back from the conversation and remind oneself that it’s important to communicate with our partner, because no matter how well they know us, they cannot read our mind. Continued conversation and commitment to resolving conflicts together rather than simply escalating the fight and attacking each other is crucial. Take a breather, and count to 10. If conducive to both partners, agree to pause the conflict for a while so you can gather your thoughts and have a proper discussion when you revisit it.

Remember, most communication habits are learned, which means that they can be modified and changed. If you or your partner engage in any of these ‘Four Horsemen’, hope is not lost. Have patience and be willing to make a change for the better, because a change for the positive will affect not only romantic relationships, but every relationship in one’s life.

Keep going!